Field Guide to Cats

by Rob Schaeffer
Illustrated by Bertha Crowley

Siamese Random Screecher This breed can be easily spotted by its distinctive cry of, “Meeeeerrrrrrrrrrroooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwllllllllllll,” as if its last friend had died and the great giver of food had left forever. Usually this is how the cat lets the world know it is still alive, since after giving a howl if you yell at it, it will trot into the room you are in acting happy as if nothing bad had happened. These calls can happen at any time and carry over half a mile. No one knows what they mean.

Greater Yellow Donut Snatcher This is a common breed of cat. It is usually yellow or orange, but the only way to positively identify it is to catch it stealing a donut from your plate. This can be tricky since the little dears will try to lie and pretend they never saw a donut. This species tends to be round.

Striped Nose Coverer A stealthy bread, had to identify until you sit down or lie down. Then they will run up to you, purring, and cover your nose with their paws. This makes it hard to breathe.

Greatest Organic Land Mine The largest common breed which is often found in living rooms right where everyone wants to walk. They look innocent and adorable, and will lie on their backs showing the soft fuzzy adorable bellies. This is a trick. Touch their belly and all five sharp bits will instantly imbed in your hand and wrist requiring stitches.

Greater Surfer Cat This rare breed of cat is mellow. I mean, really mellow. They will hang out in a room and watch what is going on, or find a nice basket that is about 90% big enough to fit into and slowly ooze into it and pretend they are comfortable. The definite sign of a Surfer Cat is that they think the vacuum cleaner is a toy because it is moving. All other breeds flee.

Sleeping Shoe Sniffer While all breeds come for food, this breed will also appear when shoes are removed. They will slowly circle the shoe, checking for danger, until they are close enough to stick their head into the shoe. At which point they immediately fall asleep. Some breed will store their toys in shoes. Hopefully their toys weren’t recently alive.

Flat-Nosed Door Rammer A very distinctive breed which has a flat nose and no muzzle. This is due to generations of them being too dumb to realize a sliding glass door is closed so they have rammed their noses flat and their brains into nonexistence. This breed also falls into the toilet a lot. Don’t pet if damp.

Spotted Toe-Grabber Another “stealth” breed. You can only identify this breed when you go to sleep and in the middle of the night you either feel your toes being attacked, or you hear the cry of another victim. This cry usually goes like, “What the hell are you doing you psycho cat? I am trying to sleep!”