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My Life as a Temp
by Rob Schaeffer
I started work as a temp with a yarn company. The mind wanders...
You know, any piece of equipment is funnier if you talk about it like the
sailor guy on the Simpsons. “Aye, the box cutter is a harsh mistress: fair,
but harsh. Aye.” This works for computers, hand tools, and just about anything
else.
The skein of yarn has a picture of a baby on it. Hmm. I hope it isn’t made
from babies. It isn’t—it is made from some sort of artificial fiber. This
means that it will explode into flames easily.
I suspect a sweater knit from this stuff could run a diesel engine. Pretty colors, though.
People call this artificial fiber. It isn’t. It is made from organically-grown
free-range dinosaurs that are then cooked in the Earth’s own heat. How much
more natural can you get? (I know that maybe it is made from other animals
or even plants, but I don’t care because that isn’t as funny.)
I think I am surrounded by people speaking Spanish. I am not sure because
the machines are loud and I am wearing ear plugs. Ear plugs are weird. At
first it is sort of cool because you can hear your breathing and your heart
and it is like some science fiction movie. Then you sneeze. Then the sounds you hear are more like
right before something icky eats a minor character. I won’t even talk about
wearing ear plugs and the drinking fountain.
Anyway, people may be speaking Spanish around me. It is hard to tell. All
I can make out is, “yadda yadda.” If it is Spanish, maybe it is, “yaddá
yaddá.” You can tell when people swear, it sounds like, “yadda!” or
maybe “¡yaddá!”
On the other hand, this is totally unlike the Spanish channel. I have seen
no mini-skirts, bumble-bee men, or trumpet playing ninjas. Granted ninjas
are supposed to be sneaky and there is no way I could hear a trumpet in here.
What if everything I have done today gets loaded onto a truck that drives
into a river? Eight hours of hard work turned into three bags of yarn at
Building #19.
I have been promoted and am now boxing up yarn to ship. This is fun because
you get to put boxes on a conveyer belt. I figure it is like Disneyland for
boxes. I wonder if there are singing dancing robot boxes down there?
If there is one thing I have learned from all this is that pallets are your
friend. Those are those wooden frames that boxes are put on. If you have
a heavy box that is not on one, it is not movable with a forklift, but if
you put anything on a pallet, the forklift comes and sweeps it away.
I am thinking of putting all my furniture on them so I can redecorate easily.
Err, maybe not. I suspect the apartment people frown on forklifts on the
third floor.
“Aye, the pallet be your friend.”
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