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What Would _________ Do?
By Rob Schaeffer
We have all seen WWJD or What Would Jesus Do? Well
I think we need some more options. Now, some of these options
are good as, "Don’t do this" examples.
WWXD:
What Would Xena Do? This one I have seen on bumper stickers.
It isn’t bad, except that since I don’t have a spinny disk-of-death,
don’t ride a horse, or have feisty yet spiritual side-kick my options
are limited. And you really don’t want me to make that battle cry.
Really. You will dial 911 and ask for animal control.
Now, on the plus side, she doesn’t roll over and
die when things get rough, she has a pretty good moral code, and
she looks good in leather without looking pretentious.
WWKD:
This can be What Would Kirk
Do or What Would Kosh Do? Kirk is, of course, from the original Star
Trek, while Kosh is from Babylon 5.
Kirk is a mixed bag. While he is good at taking
command and is very loyal to his friends, he has issues with
emotional intimacy. He is a survivor, though, and once again has
a fairly good moral code (see below).
The down side to Kirk is that he is a total busy-body
when it comes to other cultures. Yeah, sometimes what they are
doing isn’t nice, but he can never leave well enough alone.
The other down side is don’t ask yourself WWKD if
you are working with a computer since the answer will involve
a logical paradox and a dead computer. Always. You will end up ruining
your nice new computer as it spends eternity calculating π to all
of its digits or something. (Hey, this is cool, I can get my browser
to display the pi symbol.) Or maybe your computer will discover the meaning
of love, and then kill itself in remorse. These are not useful things
if you work in IT.
The other WWKD is for Kosh. This one is fun
because Kosh can say all sorts of weird things and get away with
it. You always get the impression that inside the suit Kosh is laughing
his glowing ass off at the other races. I bet he stays up night chuckling
to himself saying, “Hee-hee. ‘I have always been here.’ Oh, man,
they totally bought that!” Maybe that weird music in the background
when he talks is Vorlon laughter.
Now, it also helps if your mind works sidewise to
the rest of the world, then every now and then you say something
that is a simple answer to something and everyone acts like you just
did a WWKD. This can be fun or very disturbing.
The downside to WWKD is that he isn’t really well
liked, is hard to understand, and most likely you can’t fly and glow
and such.
WWMCD:
What Would My Cat Do? Well, that depends on your cat. My personal
cat would either sit on it while looking around in a crazed manner,
then act like she just noticed whatever she is sitting on, leap in
the air, run away, and return a minute later like nothing happened.
There are very few problems in the world that this will help with.
Also, cats do a lot of basically disgusting things.
Think about what they eat and how they clean themselves. Are either
of these answers to life’s problems? If so, you need a better life.
And cats love to sleep on things. Different things.
If you have the greatest carpet on the planet, your cat will be
sacked out on the newspaper you dropped. If your floor is covered
in newspaper, the cat will be on the one piece of bare carpet. Paper
bags are the most attractive place for a cat to sleep.
Lastly, if the issue you are trying to resolve involves
a vacuum cleaner, don’t ask yourself WWMCD.
On the other hand, my cat knows that sometimes you
have to just take a nap in the sun and other times you have to
jump in the air for no reason. This helps a lot with racquet ball.
Now, what would your cat do? Or dog, I guess.
Since I don’t know them, I can’t say.
WWPD:
What Would Pikachu Do? If you ask this you need help. If you
can answer this, you are beyond help.
WWLD:
What Would Lisa
Do? Lisa Simpson. I thought about What Would Homer Do, but this
is more fun. Lisa is smart and thoughtful and just a little too
moral for this world. If you do what Lisa would do, you will most
likely do the right thing and annoy a lot of people and those you
don’t annoy will annoy you.
WWZD:
What would Zeus Do? A really bad one since most of what Zeus
seemed to do is turn into a swan or a bull or something and knock-up
a mortal. I doubt you can turn into a swan or whatever and, well, there
are better ways to improve you love life; if “love” is the right word.
He could also throw lightening bolts, which is handy,
but I doubt you can do it either.
WWHD:
What Would Hamlet
Do? This is another bad one unless you hate everyone you know and
most of your family. When I was in high school, I decided that the
easy way to end a story, when you couldn’t think of anything else,
was to kill everyone off.
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