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Sports
by Rob Schaeffer
Today I am going to discuss sports. In the spirit of keeping things
weird, I am going to group watching, playing, and playing in a fantasy
league together for each sport.
Football:
Football is one of the most popular sports to watch. To me it is a bunch
of little guys running around in an arena followed by several beer ads.
I would think you could get the same effect by taking a cardboard box,
painting the inside green, dropping in a bunch of G. I. Joe Action Figures,
and shaking the bejeezus out of it. Then drink a few beers. Soon, trust
me, this will become fun. I have been told that football has as much strategy
as chess; but rarely am I told that chess as has many knees injuries as
football.
Playing football, speaking of knee injuries, is fairly exciting in a,
“Please let my knees live to see another sunrise,” kind of way. They usually
don’t. Playing football in a playing field with prickly shrubs near-by
adds another level of “fun.”
I used to toss the ball around, something I am roughly a thousand years
away from perfecting, and whenever the ball went into the woods (not when
I tossed it) and someone went after it, I always thought, “and they were
never seen again.” On the other hand, I once saw a football come near a
bird which didn’t see it until it was about a foot away and then went into
this panicked power-dive to escape. I am sure that if birds had late night
cable, it was on there telling its story (“It was big. Big! And silent.
It had no wings and moved like nothing I have ever seen before.”), or at
the very least it gave up drinking.
By the way, don’t be fooled—the ball looks like it is made of
yummy chocolate, but it tastes really, really bad.
Fantasy football was invented by Communists in the 1950 as a way to
grind the U.S.A.’s economy to a halt. Today, it has grown to the point
that is has passed solitaire, and I include FreeCell and Spider Solitaire,
in terms of time-killing activities. The theory is that everyone sits down,
with a few beers, and has a draft where they recruit their teams. They
use information on real players and…okay, I am seeing people nodding off.
You either know this already or will never care.
People spend a lot of time running calculations on how each player did
in the last week (I think) to get some idea of how their fantasy teams
did. It seems every league has its own calculations. It also seems that only
football works for fantasy leagues. I think other sports should get a chance.
I know there are baseball, hockey, and most likely soccer leagues, but how
about fantasy sports agent? You divide the football players up amongst everyone
who is in the league and the one whose players made the most money at the
end of the season wins! Penalties are, of course, negative points, so don’t
get someone with a bad driving record.
How about fantasy figure skating? Keep score through total prize money
or something? Golf? Bowling?
Why limit it to sports? Fantasy movie agent! Everyone gets a star and
whoever’s star, at the end of a set time, has made the most money wins!
Once again, legal fines are counted against your score.
Baseball:
This is the second dullest sport even invented, to both play and watch.
Since there isn’t a clock on baseball, the games can go on and on. This
is a sport with a lot of statistics. A lot. I am not even going to
try to list them all, since if you aren’t into it, you wouldn’t believe
me and it would take me time to look up some real ones.
But, anyway, I have been to two professional baseball games in my life.
All I can remember from the first one is the cool scoreboard and the very
cool arena. I love big funky buildings that look like they just landed
from outer space. It was where the Cincinnati Reds played in the 1970s.
Funky ramps going up and down the sides and all.
The other game was in Boston, which I guess means it was the Red Sox.
I don’t remember, and I really doubt anyone who was there does either.
I remember the sun was warm and there were several beach balls bouncing
around, which was cool. The big electronic sign was a lot better than the
black and white one from the 70s. Some crazy woman was running around and
several guys wanted her to lift her shirt. She didn’t.
I remember some guys out on the field stretching and that is about it
for the game, and I would bet money that for 90% of the people there that
was their memory also. I felt that a lot of money could be saved by not
actually having a game; just have a nice day in the sun with beer and hot-dogs
in a big outdoor building. And the beach balls.
Playing baseball, well “soft”-ball is pretty dull also. If your team
is up you sit a lot. If you are good you get on base a third of the time.
If the other team is up it is less dull, especially for the pitcher who
is slowly destroying his or her elbow. Just to make it more fun, remember,
people have died playing pro baseball. I believe it has more deaths than
football, so keep those eyes open!
Soccer:
The most popular sport in the world. Well, actually, this is one that
is fun to play. There aren’t a thousand wacky rules like baseball. (What
happens if a foul ball hits a bird and lands in fair play? What happens
if a ball goes up and never comes back down but gets stuck in the rafters?)
Everyone is usually right in the middle of things, and it requires almost
no equipment. Yeah, I am not very good at it, but at least I get to run around
a lot.
And you can play it at night in pouring rain which means that:
- You will fall down a lot.
- The guy dressed in all dark blue and black is the invisible
man and has super powers over the rest of the players. Sadly, in that particular
case he wasn’t much better a player than I was, so he was more just a wandering
hazard. “Over here! Over here! I am cle…WHOA, where the hell did
you come from? [Thud]”
So, coupled with the fact that almost anyone can figure out the rules,
and anyone not from the USA knows the rules pretty well, this is a good
playing game.
Watching it is another matter. Take a bunch of those action figures from
before, put them in a box, and slowly rock the box back and forth
so they, slowly, slide from one end to the other. Every fifteen minutes
or so yell, “Score!” Ideally, yell this in Spanish.
Volleyball:
Volleyball is the another fun to play sport. While I can barely
hit the ball, much less hit it to someone who can then spike it over the
net, it is still somewhat fun to play.
I know someone whose approach to this game is to stand there with this
expression on his face like he is trying to decide whether to have chicken
or pasta for dinner. Just stand there, not following the ball, but staring
into space. Whenever the ball comes near, he doesn’t really look at it,
just sort of bats at it like a cat batting at a fly that the cat really isn’t
all that involved in catching. After he bats at the ball he goes back to
“Well, pasta is good, but so is chicken…”
And the ball either goes over the net at about warp 9, or gently floats
to a teammate who is in the perfect position to smack the ball over at warp
9. It is like he has invisible volleyball powers that you can never really
see. It is creepy.
Volleyball can also be played in a gym or on a beach. Beach is better.
The other thing about volleyball is that it is the funnest sport to watch.
Well, the players are fun to watch. Women’s beach volleyball is a wonderful
thing. If any of the Spanish channels ever have a women’s beach volleyball
contest half the country will take that day off, and maybe the day after
in order to watch it again. All the replays will be in slow motion. Over
and over.
Until the guy on a tricycle rides through in fast motion chased by three
old ladies and a guy dressed as a giant chicken.
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