Public Service Announcement

by Bertha Crowley

Failing that, if you DO decide to get your navel pierced, and it doesn’t heal at all in 6 months, despite the fact that you cleaned it, and rotated it, and soaked it, and tried to roll down the waistbands of your pants so they wouldn’t rub it, even though the piercer told you to wear low-rise pants, but you’ll be damned if you are spending your life wearing pants that shows your ass-crack hanging out there and therefore your navel is constantly an oozing, pus-ridden, scabby, swollen, sore, disgusting, totally not sexy horrible painful mess, and thus you SNAP one day, because you just can’t handle the pain as the waistband of your decidedly NON low-rise jeans RUBS AND RUBS against the sore spot, and you decide the goddamn thing HAS to come out, and the only way to get it out is with pliers and wire cutters because these goddamn rings are made out of fucking PLUTONIUM, go to a professional. Don’t do it at home. It hurts. And bleeds. And swells. Like a MOFO. Let the undoubtedly permanent scarring begin!

Preceding announcement paid for by the American Counsel for Avoiding Extreme Pain and the Inevitable Subsequent Infection Resulting from Improperly Sterilized Wire Cutters (ACAEPISIRISWC).

[Editor’s note: ACAEPISIRISWC’s page may not be up yet.]