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Not-Quite-Worst-Case Scenarioss
by Rob Schaeffer
We have all seen the Worst-Case Scenario Book series.
Well, that is great and all, except most often it isn’t the worst-case that
happens, but something more like the Not-Quite-Worst-Case Scenario.
How to Survive an Encounter with a Rufous-Sided Towhee:
The first, and most important thing is to check if it is carrying some sort
of machine-gun or assault rifle such as an uzi or AK-47. If the rufous-sided
towhee is carrying such an item, that will be covered in a future article:
“Extremely-Improbable-Worst-Case Scenarios.” If it is unarmed, or just carrying
a knife or something, back away slowly, admiring its call of drink-your-teeeeeeee.
If you have any tea with you, well, it can’t hurt to take a sip to appease
the creature.
Realize that these animals have rarely attacked humans and are slow to anger.
They also are fairly small. And bird brained. Do not get between a mother
and her young, though.
If you are going into rufous-sided towhee territory, you might consider
bringing a cat with you. These birds will often avoid humans with a cat or
two on them.
If symptoms persist, seek medical attention from a trained professional.
How to Survive a Normal Airplane Landing:
You are in an airplane. It is approaching the airport. Most likely the first
thing you notice is the ground slowly getting closer to you. It is not trying
to sneak up on you—in order to land the pilot must actually put the airplane
on the ground.
The first step is to make sure your seat is upright and your tray table
is in the locked position. This will prevent people from taunting you during
the landing, possibly distracting you at a critical moment. Also fasten your
seat belt—What? Were you raised in a barn?—and turn off all electrical devices.
All of them. If you work in MIT’s media lab, this may take a while. You have
to turn these off in case you are so scared that, uh, moisture gets into an
activated walkman and shoots electricity into a sensitive area.
Soon, you will start getting close enough to the ground to see cows and chickens
and stuff. Ignore them. They rarely can leap high enough to get sucked into
the engines, and if one does, pray it is on your side of the airplane so
you can see it instantly turned into a drizzle of cooked hamburgers or chicken
tenders. If it is a chicken, throw a head of green-leaf lettuce into the
engine and it will rain a healthy, tasty, chicken salad down on those below.
If you are landing at night, notice the blue lights by the runway. They
are a color you will never seen again, because they are not real. They are
hallucinations caused by the increase in air pressure, which is why you only
see them at airports.
So, watch the pretty lights and before you know it the airplane has landed.
This is the dangerous part. When you open your overhead compartment, your
luggage will leap out at you like a demented house cat with wheels. I would
suggest wearing a helmet.
If symptoms persist, seek medical attention from a trained professional.
How to Survive a Fly in your Soup:
First off: do not under any circumstances say anything to anyone that might
result in the reply, “The backstroke.” This may be a life-or-death situation,
but we have standards.
You have three options here:
- Eat it. This is gross and will go over poorly on dates or formal
dinners, but may earn you major points with certain crowds. A child’s (a male
child’s) birthday party for example.
- Spoon it out and put it aside. This may look like you are saving
it for later. Bad idea.
- Get a new bowl of soup. This is most likely your best bet.
To get a new bowl of soup: get your server’s attention and saying something
along the lines of, “There is a fly in my soup.” Once again, do not say, “What
is this flying doing in my soup?”
Examine the new bowl of soup for flies.
If symptoms persist, seek medical attention from a trained professional.
How to Identify a Bomb:
Look at the advertising for the potential bomb. Look for phrases like, “A
Special Effects Bonanza!” or, “Loud!” or, “Filmed in Color!”
The next step is to see if the newspaper says something like, “…was not
available for review.”
If there are behind-the-scenes specials, watch them. If they talk about
special effects a lot, be wary. If a special effects person says something
like, “…and we added this scene here in order to…” then realize that neither
the writer or the director is calling the shots.
Don’t trust the reviews. All movies are, “a crass Hollywood commercialization,”
and the sequel to that movie, “totally misses the charm of the original.”
The best technique is to find the person in the office that likes all movies.
You know the guy. He is the one that says things like, “You are thinking
about this movie too much,” or, “Just turn your brain off and enjoy the movie.”
Ask him about the potential bomb. If he likes it, well, it still may be a
bomb, but if he talks about plot or character development or anything like
that—it’s a bomb. He is now scarred for a few months.
If symptoms persist, seek medical attention from a trained professional.
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