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Guide to Common and Uncommon New England Birds
by Rob Schaeffer
I have a bird feeder and have lived in New England for many years
observing birds and collecting folklore from the locals on local birds. So
I will attempt to distill what I have learned into a quick and easy-to-use
bird guide.
Little is known about any bird’s nesting habits or mating habits, but either
they have mating habits or are immortal. More research needs to be done, by
someone else, since they seem to not be willing to post their mating habits
on the web, unlike other animals I could name.
Tiny Tufted Table Hopper
I am deeply indebted to my brother and his wife for informing me of the proper
name for this most common of species. These little birds are some shade of
brown, with other markings, which aren’t important for identifying them,
actually. The best way to identify a TTTH is by spotting a french fry, that
is about as long as it is, in its beak.
Their usual habitat is outdoor restaurants, but they can be seen wherever
a french fry is available, except the Antarctic, where the penguin mafia
keeps them away.
TTTH will also eat freedom fries.
Seagulls are commonly confused with TTTH, but seagulls aren’t all that tiny,
and their distinctive cry of “mine,” sets them apart. If you can’t tell what
a bird is, most likely it is a TTTH.
Crows and/or Ravens
These are large black birds. To tell them apart look at them (duh) and if
you think, “Is that a crow or a raven?” it is a crow. If you think, “Holy
#%@#! That thing is huge!” it is a raven. Ravens are like huge biker crows
in black leather jackets. Ravens also make this weird knocking sound while
crows caw.
They are both pretty smart birds. They will chase small rodents into the
road when a car comes so to avoid the hassle of killing it themselves. They
will eat just about anything that was an animal at some point in the last
few months.
Birds of Prey
No, not the star ships.
These are hawks and eagles. They are cool and they know it. They spend all
day circling in thermals looking down at us, knowing how cool they look way
up in the air pretending to spot a rabbit from ten miles away because the
rabbit blinked. Every now and then they go into a power dive to look like
they are about to snatch something up to feast upon later.
Lies. Sure, they circle up there, but when no one is looking they ring up
a concierge to bring them dinner. They have cell phones, and they get great reception up there.
By the way, bald eagles aren’t really bald. Sorry that you had to find out like this.
Pigeons and/or Doves
You know what these guys look like. They are the birds that hang out in city
parks so they can fly up into the air when the main character(s) of the movie
run(s) through them. If this is a cop chasing a criminal type scene, they are
pigeons; if it is a happy couple running through the park, they are doves.
Big Bird ®
There appear to only be one of this species. It/he/she is about eight feet
tall and bright yellow and can talk. It/he/she is only found in urban environments.
I doubt this will turn up at your bird feeder.
Those Weird Black Speckled Birds
I
think they are grackles. Or something. They are black and shiny, with yellow
spots and a really short tails. Flocks of them descend on the feeder and
then leave. They are weird, but my cat seems to feel they look super yummy,
so I do not fear them.
Seagulls
These are graceful birds that soar over the ocean looking, looking, looking,
for fish heads and other bits of garbage. I guess we would be up to our
necks in dead fish parts if it weren’t for them.
They really do say, “mine,” as their only word. Listen closely.
Since I don’t put dead fish in the bird feeder, we rarely seen these guys.
Woodpeckers
Okay, no juvenile puns. These birds are feared by pirates everywhere. A flock
of these guys can devour a peg leg faster than you can say, “pieces of eight.”
British sailors used to keep a few of these on their ships as a first-strike
attack when they spotted pirates. Sadly, at one point they escaped and attacked
the mast of the above mentioned British ship, which was bad. Very bad.
Most woodpeckers are insane from pounding their heads against trees for several years just to eat.
Ducks, Geese, and Swans
These guys are pretty rare at feeders. I am not sure what they eat. Mud,
I think. They like swamps. Geese seem to be big ducks, or maybe ducks are
baby geese, with swans being female geese.
Robins
Oh, sure these guys look cute and such. Don’t let them fool you. They eat worms and that’s what fingers look like.
Chickens
The yummiest of birds. Mmmmmm. Chicken. Yummy, yummy, chicken.
Oh, you are
still here. Um. Okay. These guys rarely show up at feeders. But, they do
breath fire. Usually, it is a faint blue flame like a gas stove, which is
why you can’t see it during the day. But, some super secret government projects
have bred a truly devastating weapon based on the fire breathing chicken
concept. I saw a special on it on Fox.
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